Sample College Essay 1

In Springfield High School, non-academic clubs such as the Future Physicians and the Pylon, both of which I have belonged to for two years, give me an opportunity to see both the business world and the medical world. These two clubs have given me a greater sense of what these careers may be like. In Future Physicians, I participated in field trips to children's hospitals and also participated in two bloodbanks. View critiques... Very abrupt transition from the first paragraph to the second: how did we get from Michigan's diversity to the writer's clubs? The paragraph includes general statements with little evidence: How did these activities reveal career paths? Can the writer be more specific? What does "participated" mean? Did he drive volunteers from across town, sign people in all day on three Saturdays every month except August, or spend 15 minutes one Thursday afternoon in the nurse's office giving blood?

Currently I hold a job at Maas Brothers. This lets me interact with people outside my own immediate environment. I meet different kinds of people, in different moods, with different attitudes, and with different values. This job teaches me to be patient with people, to have responsibility, and to appreciate people for what they are. View critiques... What does the writer do at Maas Brothers? "Interact" needs definition. What here shows that the writer has thought about the time spent at Maas Brothers? Misspelling of different ("diffrent"): the writer did not proofread thoroughly.

In the community I am active in my church Youth Group. As a high school sophomore, I was our church's representative to the Diocesan Youth Fellowship. I helped organize youth group events, the largest being "The Bishop's Ball," a state-wide event for 300 young people. I also played high school junior varsity soccer for two years. As a senior I will be playing varsity soccer, but in the off-season. As a junior I coached a girls' soccer team for the town. This gave me a great deal of responsibility because the care of twenty-four girls was put into my custody. It felt very satisfying to pass on the knowledge of soccer to another generation. The girls played teams from other parts of Florida. Though their record was 3-8, the girls enjoyed their season. This is what I taught them was the greatest joy of soccer. View critiques... The information in this paragraph (as well as the last two paragraphs) appears elsewhere in the application. Essays that simply run down your accomplishments don't add to your application. Does the reader need to know that "the girls played teams from other parts of Florida"? The writer would be better off focusing on one of the things discussed in this essay, such as working with the girls' soccer team. What he did to make Jennifer and Gretchen and Courtney enjoy soccer even though they only won three of their games would be more vivid and focused than a lot of talk about passing things on to future generations.

The past three years of my life have given me greater visions of my future. I see the University of Michigan as holding a large book with many unread chapters and myself as an eager child who has just learned to read. I intend to read and probe into all the chapters. The University of Michigan offers me more than the great reputation of this fine school, but a large student body with diverse likes and dislikes, and many activities, both academic and non-academic, to participate in. With the help of the University of Michigan, I will be successful after college and be able to make a name and place for myself in our society. View critiques... The conclusion returns to the earlier idea of diversity at Michigan, but this idea was not developed in the body of the essay. The writer repeats a lot: "University of Michigan" six times in this essay and "academic and non-academic" twice. It's not necessary to mention "the great reputation of this fine school." Instead, the writer should give specific, programmatic reasons Michigan offers the kind of education he needs. In short, this essay seems full of information and demonstrates basic essay organization, but it lacks focus and proof. The reader gets a laundry list of activities rather than a clear sense of who the writer is and what he's cared and thought about.