How Well Do You Know Your Child?

Home > Parents > Plan for college > Getting ready

As a parent, you want what's best for your child, however you define best—a great education, social and athletic success, the support of a loving family. And, like most parents, you probably believe that no one knows your child’s needs and desires better than you do.

You may be right. Or you may be seeing the child you want to see rather than the person your child really is.

Have We Met?

It's hard not to project your own needs, desires, and goals onto your child. But you're asking for trouble if you hang on to expectations that don't match your child’s personality, abilities, or interests. Remember, not all students earn straight A’s, go to Harvard, and become neurophysicists. And not everyone wants to join the family business.

Think back to when you were a teenager. You probably felt misunderstood. Your parents may have wanted you to follow in their footsteps, whether you were suited to do so or not. Each generation faces this same issue. Parents have dreams, often quite detailed, about who their children will become. And each successive generation must learn to let go of the fantasy and accept the real, living child.

The first step in letting go is getting to know the person your child is today. Spend time together: share an activity you both like, learn a new skill from each other, or simply talk. Aim for an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. Try and be supportive and open. And ease up on the pressure—adolescence is tough enough.

Communicating

Communicate with your child in language he’ll understand. When you say “we expect you to work hard,” your child may hear “get straight A’s or else.” Make sure that the message you intend is the one he’s hearing.

Of course, communication is a two-way street. Try to listen to what your child is really telling you. “I’m not interested in science” could mean exactly that, or it could mean “I don’t understand it” or “I need your help.” Make time to sit with your child and discuss his problems, concerns, and successes.

Exploring Values and Interests

It's obvious when your child's musical tastes differ from yours, but what about subtler, deeper differences? Does your child share your religious, cultural, and political beliefs? Does he prioritize values such as money, job security, creativity, independence, and altruism the same way you do? Your child's beliefs and values will influence the direction he takes in life.

You can also learn a lot from your child’s favorite activities, in class and out. Does he enjoying working at a computer, working with people, or working with his hands? Which classes and extracurricular activities does he excel at? Help him explore the college and career opportunities to which they relate. At the same time, encourage your child to keep his options open by exposing him to a broad range of experiences, like trips to art and science museums, or sporting events.

A Work in Progress

Getting to know your child is complicated by the fact that he's still getting to know himself. After all, high school is a time of growth and self-discovery. It’s a time for your child to explore his identity, test his boundaries, and find his place in the world.

Your child can begin by taking a research-validated personality assessment. The results include a detailed description of the assigned personality type, as well as links to in-depth descriptions of suggested majors and careers. Discuss the results with your child. Which parts of the profile seem to describe him? Which don't? Which majors and careers sound interesting?

Getting to know who your child is, and helping him pursue his own goals, is the best way to ensure his future happiness and success. Which, of course, will ensure your own.