Parents, Kids, and Conflict

Most of us are uncomfortable with conflict and try to avoid it. Therefore, instead of facing problems head on, we often develop ineffective communication styles that make it hard to resolve difficult situations with other people. When the two struggling parties are parent and child, effective communication is even more challenging.

Conflict, however, is actually a normal, important part of everyday life; it helps us learn and mature. And when conflict is resolved sensibly, it bolsters, rather than weakens, our interpersonal relationships. If you and your child can work together to reach mutually acceptable resolutions to complex issues, you'll both win. Dealing with an issue in this way both eliminates discord and strengthens the parent-child bond.

Ineffective Communication Styles

Because dealing with conflict can be difficult, people develop many unproductive ways of communicating during a crisis. See if you recognize yourself or your child in any of the following descriptions:

The Yeller: The louder I am, the more likely I am to get my way through intimidation.

The Cold-Shoulder Giver: I will ignore you until you feel so guilty and rotten that you give me my way.

The Manipulator: I will twist the facts and play on your weaknesses to gain an advantage.

The Denier: The more I ignore the problem, the bigger it becomes, but I will steadfastly maintain that everything is fine.

The Crier: The tears will flow until you can’t stand to see me cry anymore and finally give in.

The Blamer: If I keep telling you that the situation is entirely your fault, I will eventually convince you that you are completely culpable.

The Whiner: Like the crier, I will wear you down with my constant moaning and complaining.

The Powerful One: I automatically win the argument because I have the stronger personality or, alternately, because I make the rules.

Effective Communication Styles

Fortunately, ineffective communication methods can be replaced by functional and practical ones with a little effort. See if you and your child can take on any of the following roles and resolve conflicts more effectively:

The Active Listener: I really hear what you are saying and can explain to you, in my own words, that I truly understand the issue and your feelings about the issue. I will not interrupt you when you are speaking, and I will think thoroughly about what you’ve said before responding.

The Responsibility Taker: I recognize that a problem is two-sided, and I take responsibility for my words, actions, and feelings. I will make statements using the word I that put accountability on me rather than placing blame and putting you on the defensive.

The Explorer: I know my side of the issue, but I want to comprehend more about your side. I will ask questions to more fully understand your position and request explanations when I am confused or when I disagree.

The Soother: Even though we are angry with each other, I will behave in a respectful manner. I will speak positively and validate your position when appropriate.

The Collaborator: I recognize that compromise is the key to conflict resolution, so I will focus on working as a team to find the best way to end the struggle. I will ask that we both practice a give-and-take technique and suggest fair solutions so we can find a middle ground.

Special Considerations

Keep in mind that your child is still growing up. If you treat him as if he is immature, he will act that way. Also understand that your child sees you as being in the position of power and may already be on the defensive. Be open to his thoughts and feelings, and be reasonable when setting both expectations and limits. Most important, remember that you are the role model in conflict resolution, so try to remain calm, rational, and respectful. Your child’s behavior and communication style will be directly influenced by your actions and communication techniques.